break me please

Oh my darling

you love me so well

while You give me heaven

i give You hell

and 

this tug o' war game

has had me so tired

for some time now

But

thank You for enduring

it keeps You winning

and that doesn't bother me

any

really

because

if i'm winning

then 

i'm losing

and still better off

eventually

and

while i'm pushing

You're pulling

picking up this intentional 

slacking

and here i am

some sort of "man"

and

what am i to think of myself

as a man

who rejects

my lovers help

if unable to accept this

perfectly imperfect love

how will i ever

receive the love of the perfect ONE

three in ONE

that's how much he loves me

he became three

to take care of miserable me

i cannot handle the imperfect love 

of one

let alone three perfect ones

i don't want your love

i can't accept

i can't take it

because

i know that i

am not

worthy

of it

please 

teach me 

to be willing

i need it

even if 

beyond my understanding

break me

please

it takes two to seesaw

What in the world 

do you want from me?

To speak softly

some sort of words

that are soothing

like a melody?

I refuse to feed you

these requested booze

because you will 

become drunk

on my forgery.

A sweet melody

is not

how it should be

Because if I sugar coat

my words

you'll just become

spiritually obese

and if I love you

and

I'm pretty sure I do

then that is something

I do not want for you.

or even from you.

They say to speak 

the truth 

in love

but they still don't wanna hear it

truth is truth

no matter how you say it

and yeah it's hard to hear

about how much we suck

at times

but we need to hear

those words that we fear

they make us scared 

because we don't want to 

face up to it

and

you my friends

are my only mirror

to how I speak socially

and the only ones

who can save me from me

so give it to me straight 

and

give it to me clean

because that's the only way

that I wanna hear it

and the only way

that I can 

Respect it

I need it from you

daily and Weekly

to put me in my place

so I may make you

my temporary enemy

and yes I know

this manner of speaking

can make one quite lonely

at times

but it works beautifully

when done respectfully

equally

and please understand

this manner of speaking

is not just one of negativity

but also one of spiritual uplifting

yes

we need beat each other

to make us stronger

but we also need

that heavy artillery

of words that bring

the thought of us

as comforting

and 

yes I know

that this is a seesaw act

and 

it takes two 

to play that game

while one is up

the other is down

and so it goes

again

back and forth

but it takes the balance

of 

love and respect

to bring

the other back up again

And I pray

OH GOD I pray

that there is someone out there

who understands

this

seesaw meaning

and that you 

would be a friend to me

Just In Case

In my sociology of death and dying class our final project is to fill out all of the necessary paper work for if I were to die. One thing that I had to write were my funeral wishes. I thought I would share them with you. I emphasize cheap quite a bit because I am completely flabbergasted at the average cost of a funeral, which is around $20,000. That much just to drop a body in the ground. That's disgusting. Well, I hope you enjoy.   

Upon my death I would like my body to be taken care of in the cheapest form fashionable at the time. If cremation is the cheapest option then let that be the way you dispose of my body. If burying my body is the cheapest option and you would have the desire to view my body then please bury me in blue jeans, my old worn blue chuck taylors and a gray tee shirt. Please find the closest and cheapest body disposal service place (mortuary, crematorium, memorial society, etc.) to prepare my decaying carcass. Whatever my remains may be, whether a body or ashes, use the cheapest means possible in which to contain my dead body. Use at most, two thousand dollars from my bank account and I hope my dead body process costs no more than that. If you want to send me flowers then go right ahead, just know that I wont personally thank you for them, so don’t waste your money. Please take my remains and dispose of them in the cheapest way possible, even if it means throwing my ashes in the trash can. My grave marker should say my name, life in years lived and should read “Hi, How are you?”. If you want to view my rotting carcass then go ahead but only if it can be done for free. If it cost an arm and a leg to have a viewing then gladly donate one of mine to pay for it. My memorial service should involve none of that sad crap, but songs of worship and praise in modern fashion. Matt Davis will be in charge of arranging the music to be played at the service. Let whoever wants to speak at the service to do so. I give the job of making sure all of these wishes are carried out to, Robin J. Holtom. Please all be happy because I am now with Christ and you are not so that sucks for you, but I am waiting for you. God is Love and Love is Real.





Hudson Michael Tansey

Intentionality

 That is where

I

Must Start

If

I Want

To be

What I

Have been

Called

To Be

Ready...

Set..

...

Go.

......

False Start

Get back on the line

Now 

Lets try this

Again.

While on Campus

While on Campus

I was walking about

Minding my own business

Staring down at me feet

As Usual

(As most of us humans often do)

Unaware

Of the beauty

That surrounded me

While on campus

That day

I realized

I had been

Missing

Oh so much Beauty

The nature

The paths 

The love

The aspiring

All I needed

Was

To look up

And 

When I did

That day

While on campus

I saw the happiest

Little creature that I

Had ever seen.

A Robin

Chirping and Hopping

Around the grass

A stick in its beak

Only to drop the stick

Periodically

To chirp 

A note of joy

That small chirp 

Reached my ears 

And 

Drew a smile upon

These Lips

The Robin

Right then

Was the happiest 

Creature

Known

To this human

This Human received joy

From the chirp

Of a red breasted bird

I wonder how much

JOY

I can receive 

If I

Would just look up 

more often

And LISTEN more often.

Father 

Shut these lips

Of mine

With a Smile

And 

Open my ears

To your creative beauty

Once again.

Thank You.

Irrational Eyes?

Ponds.

Of thought.

To ponder.

"It is not uncommon for skeptics to suppose that Christians are irrational for believing in a God that they cannot see.

In reality,

it is irrational for such skeptics to suppose that what cannot be seen does not exist."

-Hank Hanegraaf-

 Things not seen.

But considered true and real.

Some typical arguments.

Some not so much I would assume.

Gravity,

Wind,

Cold,

Hot,

Love,

Mathematical Truths,

Etc.

All unseen.

But felt.

And.

Affected by.

“Oh,

but I’m so small 

I can barely be seen… 

how can this great love

be inside of me?
Look at your eyes…. 

they’re small 

in size, 

but they see 

enormous things."

-MeWithoutYou-

God is Love and Love is Real!

My Bed

The Bed.

Today.

It was.

My sanctuary.

It is the place.

Where I can hide.

Even.

From myself.

My disgusting self.

My selfish self.

My careless self.

When in bed.

I feel free.

To not.

Just not.

Nothing more than not.

Nothing less than not.

When in bed.

Cares are pressed between mattresses.

Worries are above blankets.

Responsibilities become nightmares.

I did not want to leave.

The bed.

This morning.

For that very reason.

Out of bed.

I become aware.

Once upon my two feet.

I know where.

I've been.

And.

Where I'm going. 

Once out of it.

I realize what I said.

The day prior.

I realize.

What I did.

The day behind me.

To the very one.

I love.

Why?

Why do I do this?

Disgusted.

In me.

I'll just go to bed.

Where I'm free.

To escape me.

Where I allow.

Myself.

Not to think.

Of anything.

But.

Only on my bed.

Does this happen.

It's time for sleep.

Please forgive me.

For the days.

When I'm on my two feet.

And.

I still act.

Like I'm in.

My bed.

Yes.

Please.

Forgive me.